Well, the news on the weather front is that it's hot, damn hot - which is bad news for all you beavers out there. But, over the next few weeks, its going to get hotter, which is bad news for otters. And further down the road (bad news for toads) we can see sun, sun, and more tabloid newspapers on the horizon making life sticky, sweaty, oooh black betty (ram jam)...

(Of course, because it's hot, we get to stick an innocent topless sunbather under this report just to illustrate further)

with Michael 'nothing to do with tea' Brews

The big news in the financial pool, is the terrible sales that cereal manufacturer, Kelloggs, has been having lately. If we look at their pool in particular, we find that over the recorded distance, they've been a little inconsistant. At one foot, the water barely reaches my shins, but, as I venture further in we find at by three feet, the water is waist high, and by five feet, it is well over my head.

But why is this? We put the blame firmly on their name. As you can see, the name Kelloggs has two G's in it. If you recall from your childhood (for some readers that's probably further in the past than they'd like to admit) you were taught that the animals on the farm were moo-cows, baa-sheep, and geegee's. Repressed memories of this are obviously causing people to associate Kelloggs with horses and therefore putting people off their cereal.

What can be done to stop this? Well, for a start we can look to teach our children the proper names for things and not resort to the baby talk that we ourselves endured as a child.

It may be a less fun and simple solution, but, it may save the company who, on their 100th birthday, are possibly drowning in their pool. If only they had lifesavers (and I don't mean the mints).

With Hamster 'not a spice girl' Spice

Geri Found!

with Bill 'The Editor The Editor ADULTS ONLY... US? It was a normal day in the offices, Bill was sitting down sipping his cup of orange tea, when this interesting piece of mail dropped through our virtual mailbox... The following message is intended for Adult Webmasters. If you received this e-mail in error, we apologize. This is a one time mailing, so there is no need to reply. Bill obviously jumped for joy! Recognition for all our hard work as the owners of a web site that doesn't treat it's readers as children (except of course, those readers out there who are children, who get treated appropriately) For more information go to http://www.letsgetbusy.net Wow! Following the instructions, we went there - only to find that the place had already moved and we were forwarded onto some strange hardcore sex thing. We were discusted. Of course, we had to attempt to sign on. (Well, it was claiming 100% free stuff - and no-one in their right (or left) mind offers such stuff). We filled in, like everyone does, lots of false details on their sign up form. "First Name: Jaques Surname: Strap Date Of Birth: 1st January 1856" We then waited a small while while whistling "We're busy right now, please call again later" music. Then up it popped - no , not dodgy images, but the truth about free sex... it costs around $20 a month... Of course this site, is most likely American in origin, and while we don't have anything against the American people, America itself is very strange, wierd, and most likely to be invaded by extraterestrials. So, here's a new word to add to your American-English dictionary. Free, verb, to cost about 20 dollars (about 15 pounds) a month. Not to be confused with the English word Free which means "to gain without cost"

T&E LAUNCH the HT SHORTS

W

ell, as I'm sure you can tell simply by looking at this page, we've gone and done it! The much planned relaunch has come upon us, and here it is. Gone are the long winded, extremely huge monthly (ish) issues of the Hamster Times, instead, we have now got the HT Shorts. Small, bite-sized editions appearing on either a weekly or twice weekly schedule. (Depending on how we feel and how sunny it is outside...)

We hope you enjoy our New Format, feel free to send comments, declarations of love and death threats to our usual address... well... except maybe death threats (because no-one likes those do they?)

Mas

with Kid 'but not a goat' Napped

You may have noticed, that the old Hamster Times didn't have much of a sports writer as such. Sure you did. It was one of the most lacking sections, well, after the Censored stuff at least but the Censored went around and censored everything anyway so there wasn't all that much to see. Of course, I'm getting side-tracked. I'm Kid Napped, the sports writer. I didn't use to be a sports writer. I used to be a lumberjack, but one day these 2 guys ran up to me and bundled me into the back of a car and... well... I'm here now, so I might as well make the best of it. It's not like I don't like sport after all...

Cricket

Woohoo! In your face South Africa! Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Woo hoo! The might English knights defeated the valient foe on the battle field, and much rejoicing was to be heard.

It was South Africa we were playing wasn't it?

Football

I missed all the games the other night, I was watching Babylon 5 on the sci-fi channel... but in that, Sinclair said something really interesting to G'kar, who then menaced Londo for a bit. And how we laughed when Ivonovah (I never know how to spell that) Censored. Of course, it's all uncut y'know...

with A 'plea for' Lettuce

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The HT SHORTS Photo Story, Xenaphiles, part 4

For irregular readers, we suggest a course of prunes... But seriously, have a look in the archive - there is, or soon will be, a photostory specific archive just to make things easier...

Of course, this episode takes place prior to the events in the last episode (because we like leaving cliffs, hanging).

The Xenaphiles Archive:Part 1:Part 2:Part 3: