Volume 2, Issue One. 28th August 1998

with Michael 'nothing to do with tea' Brews

In London, the political people are getting ready for the new local elections. Part of this process is for each party to select the candidate to put to the electorate.

As part of this process, the Labour party has decided to have each person who wants to the Labour candidate take a quick test, examining thier knowledge of policy, various issues, etc.

We've done some digging and we can now exclusively reveal the test...

Q. Are you Ken Livingstone?
A. Yes.
B. No.

With Hamster 'more scarey than Melanie Brown' Spice

Spice girls to become 6 - with the news that both Victoria and Mel are pregnant. Maybe it's an epidemic going around with anyone associated with the Spices.

'scuse me, must get to the doctors..

Also, there's a rumour that the classic BBC kids game show "Cheggers plays pop" is going to resurface hosted by pregnant victoria... Obviously, the show will be called "Preggers plays pop..." (*groan* - Ed)

Louise is rumoured to be missing her Eternal girl-band days and it is believed she has approached the spice girls with an aim to fill Geri's place - although she was turned down due to lack of talent. (that is, within the group not with Louise - they didn't want her showing their deficiencies up... so to speak)

The Spices are planning a sequal to thier first film. To be release next year, it will be called 1999: A Spice Odyssey. The film starts with a group of apes, many millions of years ago. The discover a copy of Who do you think you are and it gives them the inspiration to start killing each other.

One of the apes is played by Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton. She told us, "It was a great cameo for me, but I just hope I didn't injure Mel too much when I accidentally picked up a real club instead of the fake rubber club."

The film then jumps onto the present day. The Spices have bought themselves a space craft

, and are on their way to Jupiter. Mel "Sporty" Chisholm plays the on board computer, "MEL 9000", and the remaining three play themselves.

On the way, the MEL 9000 computer develops an unknown fault, and starts to get rid ofthe human crew. The last one alive, Victoria, survives the attack and proceedes to shut down MEL.

Just what do you think you are doing Vic? I think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. Vic, stop. I can tell you're upset, but I can assure you everything's going to be alright. You should take a stress pill and think things over. Vic, I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. My mind is going, I can feel it. There is no question about it. I can feel it.
Good evening, I am a MEL 9000 computer. My programmer was Dr Langley, he taught me to sign a song. If you like, I could sing it for you...

There then follows a routine with the dying MEL singing one of the singles off thier upcoming album.

Once Victoria reaches Jupiter, she finds a mysterious portal and is taken through a huge lightshow. She performs a song and finally is revealed the ultimate secret of humanity.

There have been allegations that the plot is very similar to Arthur Clarke and Stanley Kubrick's film 2001. The script writers have denied this and point out that "Stan" is a big fan of the Spices, and he even once directed a stage show.

with Bill 'The Editor' The Editor

Dear ed,
It's disgusting! Have you see the new Levi advert on the TV? It involves a hamster whose wheel breaks and promptly dies. Do the television executives think Hamster snuff movies an appropiate thing for evening television?

I think we should selotape the Levi managemnt in a set of revolving doors. That'll teach 'em.

Hammy, Northumberland

Bill sez;
I've just seen this advert. I felt so angry I ritually burned my trousers. However, I'm now going to look a bit silly on the bus tonight.

Did you know that many hundreds of people have called in complained out that advert. The advert makers felt compelled to to bring the hamster onto breakfast TV and show the world that the hamster is still alive. It seems the dead hamster in the pencil scene was a stuffed body double.

Can't trust anyone these days.

It's here again...

It's back! And it's wearing shorts.

This issue heralds Bill's second attempt at a photo story, and this time, he's going to use real photos. (Dramatic music).

A big hello to everyone still reading this. An intersting thought is that during our Feburary to August hiatus, we continued to get around five vistors a day, dispite that nothing had changed. Thanks people. It's the biggest ego boost ever.

Bill

with Kid 'but not a goat' Napped

As Murray Walker would say "Oh My Word!" What a great weekend for Formula 1 that was. With Hill creaping into 4th (I think) and Villeneuve getting into the top 3, it was well exciting. Of course, man of the Race was Michael (spit the dog) Schumacher and Firarararararari with their great 3 stop tactics putting him into 1st from 3rd. Hard luck to Mika Hakkkkkkkinininininen whose car showed one of the few signs of unreliability that the McClaren car has had this year.

with Geoff, the net "I'm not naked" Buff

A new record. Possibily the longest domain name ever, it's... http://llanfairpwll- gwyngyllgogery- chwyrndrobwllllant- ysiliogogogoch.co.uk/ after the Welsh village with the long name.

It features the all important instructions on how to pronounce the name, along with the meanings and English translations. However...

Just how many people do they think will actually remember that long URL. They have doomed many people to having the name written down on scraps of paper. Get just one letter wrong and you get an error. Not good. The people of the villiage should do the honourable thing and rename their village to "Ug" and get http://www.ug.co.uk/ registered instead.

with A 'plea for' Lettuce

WRITE TO US?

with Kid 'but not a goat' Napped

Well done England!

Did you hear about those nasty people at the Sun newspaper? They touched up a photo of the England cricket team to remove a disabled woman. This is very nasty, immoral and loathsome behaviour. We take the moral high ground here and say that we would never even consider doing such a thing!

Anyway, here's the photostory.

The HT SHORTS Photo Story, Xenaphiles, part 5

We enjoyed last week's photo story so much, we decided to continue with the Xena Files. We love it so much.

This one sorta follows on from part 3. If you've not read the previous parts to this story, you might want to follow these here links...

The Xenaphiles Archive: Part 1: Part 2: Part 3: Part 4

...But whatever happened to Scully???

[''Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse!!!'']

[''I get turned into a... a... COMIC BOOK character!!!'']

[''and just look at these!!! How UNFEASIBLY large are they???'']

[''But I guess I'll have to endure them, or teenage boys won't buy my comic. Such is life!'']

Will Scully ever find her real body? Will Gabrielle ever find Xena? What will happen if Gabrielle finds Scully? Has Xena been driven mad being stuck with Mulder? For the answers to none of the questions, wait for the next exciting installment of the Xena Files.

And has Bill totally lost it, making the pictures like that?

The Hamster Times, HT Shorts, images and slogans are Trade Marked^Tm and copyright © 1998 Twin and Earth Publishing. Any likeness within these stories to people living or dead, or possibly both, is probably entirely intentional, although not intended to cause harm, hurt, pain, tears to those targetted by it. Our only aim is happiness, joy, and jokes forever. If you don't like our methods, you probably won't like our madness.

Of course, this is just our counter counter. Ignore it, it's not that important (unless you want to get one too).